Ducking in with Donald

Phil Gurnee ♦ December 14, 2018 ♦ 1 Comment

Duck – Two years into your term and it seems everyone who has worked for you has either been fired, resigned, or indicted and that is before the Democratic House takes over in January where the grill will only get hotter.  Is this what you meant about “Making America Great Again”?

Donald – No President has done more in their first two years of office than I have. Even with the Mueller witchhunt hanging over my boys, we have managed to pass the greatest redistribution of wealth back to the rich via our tax cut in history, removed many of the regulations that make our water safe, our air breathable, and stop the flow of brown people from shithole countries into our communities.

Duck – that is quite a list of accomplishments. Anything else you are proud of?

Donald – Sure, we also managed to get a man accused of drunken sexual assault confirmed to the Supreme Court. You know how hard that is? Imagine every Republican member of Congress voting for that guy after demanding that Al Franken resigns as Senator because he fake coped a feel of a passed out female friend.? That would be like getting elected President even with the candidate bragging on tape that he could grab anyone by the pussy because he’s a celebrity.

Duck – that was impressive, no one in your party stood up to the nomination.

Donald – the Russians are good at their job. They got stuff on everyone.  Just imagine what they have on Lindsey Graham. for him to become my golfing buddy.

Duck – you aren’t concerned that the Democrats had six million more votes for their HOR candidates than the Republicans did in the recent mid-terms?

Donald – We may have lost the House but there were many weak candidates who didn’t embrace me. I was able to get additional Senate seats during the mid-terms so we will continue to fill the Federal courts with partisan Judges who don’t think much of our constitution or allowing everyone to vote. Democracy at it’s finest. The Electoral College is something else. Those founding fathers sure knew how to rig the game.

Duck – you lost the house and will no longer have the speaker letting you get away with whatever you want. Do you have nightmares of Pelosi and Schiff?

Donald – Nah, as I said the Russians are good, I’m sure when it comes to push or shove they will find some stuff on Pelosi that we can use.  Hell, she’s been a politician forever, you have to had done some bad things in fifty years. I am worried about that upstart gal from the Bronx. She is trouble. And Hot. Mike Pence won’t be able to sit in the same room with her.

Duck – you must mean the Puerto Rican congresswoman to be Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez who will be the youngest House Representative in history at age 29. She also graduated cum laude from Boston University.

Donald – Puerto Rican? She must be grateful for everything I did for that country even though I didn’t have too.

Duck – Puerto Rico isn’t a country it is an unincorporated territory of the United States and most reports would say the US response to the hurricane was inadequate but that might have been more about Fema not having a plan in place for such a disaster instead of simply racist ignorance. Though I’m pretty sure it was about racial indifference. But yeah, even I have daydreams about Ocasio-Cortez. Of course, my daydreams are more about her intelligence and enthusiasm for the disenfranchised but I would be disingenuous if I didn’t mention I was also bewitched with her physical appearance.

Donald – That has been a huge success. By destroying thousands of families through either gross negligence or simply not caring we have planted the seed that any person in the brown world that would consider seeking asylum to stay away from our country or risk losing their children.  Stephen Miller should get an award for this policy. It is diabolically clever.

Duck – Diabolical, like a James Bond Villian?

Donald – Sometimes the villains have the big ideas that the small minds are afraid to implement. It takes a lot of courage to destroy families simply because we don’t want to share our wealth with those who were born outside our borders. For that matter, we don’t like sharing our wealth with our citizens. We got bombs and missiles to make, we can’t be feeding people.

Duck – you can now add manslaughter to that list with the report today that a 7-year-old girl died of dehydration after being taken into custody by your World Class Border Patrol.

Donald – that was very sad, but that is all on the parents for bringing her to the US.

Duck – yeah, what the hell were they thinking, trying to find a better life for their children? They should have looked harder at the pigment and realized that they stood a better chance with the sex traffickers, drug traffickers, vicious street gangs and corrupt politicians that control many levels of society in Guatemala than they did with our asylum process.

Donald – If we didn’t stop the flow across our borders, terrorists would intermingle with them and put Americans at risk. I”m making America safe.

Duck – for all the concern you floated about foreign terrorists, it is the disgruntled Citizen with a gun who is killing fellow Americans at unprecedented rates. In a 2016 report, Americans now have a 1 in 315 chance of dying by gun violence compared to a 1 in 45,000 chance of being killed by a foreign-born terrorist. 

Donald – but railing against gun violence doesn’t get you elected President, railing against anything foreign does. It could be China trade, Mexicans, Muslims. That is how you get to be President.

Duck – you do know your base. I mean your cult.

Duck – With the new court filings this week about your one-time personal lawyer Michael Cohen, it would seem the only thing keeping you from prosecution might be the fact you are president and ironically the only reason that you might be charged is that you decided to run for President.

Donald – those are ridiculous charges. I was simply making these payments as a private citizen to protect my family. I did nothing illegal and if I did, that was my lawyer’s fault, he should have known better, he’s the lawyer.

Duck – it does seem throughout all of this, you seem to forget that you were running for president and were no longer simply a private citizen. Paying off woman so they don’t talk and influence an election, taking foreign help for the campaign, working with Russia to further your real estate dealings while running for President. These are all campaign crimes, and this is why those who know about such things were clamoring for your Tax Returns so they could look into conflict of interest areas.

Donald – My tax returns are my private business

Duck – they were until you decided to run for President, at which point they should be all our business. If you wanted to be left alone to run your money laundering empire, you shouldn’t have run for President.

Donald – everyone told me not to run. But you know, my gut said I could make even more money by doing everything I wanted when I became President.

Duck – didn’t your advisors tell you that as a President and not an authoritative ruler like Putin you had to follow rules?

Donald – probably, but I don’t listen to anything but my gut and my gut wanted to do whatever I wanted to do. And for the most part, I have.

Duck – you aren’t concerned that someday you, your family, and anyone who has worked for you will have to pay a price for being the most corrupt administration in the history of the United States?

Donald – Nah, my base will revolt if anyone tries to hold me accountable for simply doing what must be done to make America Great Again. Remember my base owns most of the guns.  Besides, we have set up Eric to take the fall for the rest of us. 

Duck – luckily it is time for me to migrate to Southern California where the weather is warm, and the majority of folk enjoy their diversity while dodging fires, floods, and waiting for the big one to hit.  I never got to ask about raking the forest, all the golfing, the Tariff King, the Khashoggi murder, the Prince of Saudi Arabia, the lack of trust in the US intelligence community, the ludicrous idea of having a head of state who refuses to read memos, refusing to believe or care enough to do anything about climate change, NRA peddling influence, a lightweight scam artist like Matthew Whitaker  to be acting Attorney General,  the failing war in Afganistan, or even Putin. And that is just the first paragraph.