Ducking in with The Donald

Phil Gurnee ♦ November 13, 2016 ♦ 8 Comments

For those unfamiliar with the Duck, you can check out the archived  Duck Talk Section at TrueBlueLA or the newer Duck Talk here on Dodgers, Yesterday and Today.  We ask the questions we want to ask and try to see through the clichéd responses we normally get.  Don’t get confused, this is a complete fabrication based on interviews within my troubled mind.

The Duck decided to branch out today and was lucky enough to get an audience with Mr. Trump. The Duck had in his favor not being part of the mainstream media.

Duck: I’m quacking today with President-elect Trump. Yes, I’m as shocked as most of you are.  First off,  congratulations have to be made. I’ll admit a year ago I thought your campaign was a joke, and since you treated it like a joke we seemed to be on the same page. You said you’d win and by-gum you did win. You did everything that any professional campaign manager would warn against, and yet you won the electoral college and are now about to become arguably the most powerful man in the world. How?

Donald Trump: People just love me. They love me. Have you ever seen my rallies? They love me. You know why they love me? Because I tell them what they want to hear? They want jobs. I tell them I’ll make jobs. They want to feel safe. I tell them I’ll remove what scares them. They want to feel important again. I tell them how great they are. It isn’t rocket science. It is just bullshit, but no one is better at it, then I am.

Duck: Your opponent had one huge issue over her head, you had about twenty-five but her one issue proved bigger than all of yours in the key states. Why?

Donald Trump: Because I told them it was a big issue and they believe everything I tell them.  And then I told them none of my issues were a big deal, they were all fabrications, much like this interview and they believed that.  American’s don’t like details, they like punditry, and baby, I’ve got punditry by the boatload.  You know the best part?

Duck: No, what is the best part?

Donald Trump: I didn’t even have to point out she didn’t have any balls.

Duck:  Do you think you’d have beaten Joe Biden or Larry David?

Donald Trump: I think I’d have beaten anyone but I was running against Hillary. So much baggage.  Melania deleted my tweet about her but I thought it was great. “Hillary has so much baggage she’s already an old bag”.  All those people were insiders so my message would have been the same. If they have so many solutions for our problems why haven’t you done anything in the past 30 years? In three months I’m going to do more than they did in all their collective years in public service. It is going to great. You just wait, it is going to be great.

Duck: How about Elizabeth Warren?

Donald Trump:(nervous laugh) heh, between you and me, she scares the hell out of me. I am glad she sat this one out and the Democrats gave me someone I could really campaign against.  She’s got big balls.

Duck: A wise duck once told me not to mistake quantity with quality.

Donald Trump: Was that Scrooge McDuck? I’ve always liked him, my kind of guy. I’m thinking of him for the Secretary of the Treasury.

Duck: No, it was Daffy.

Donald Trump: What a loser he is.

Duck: You made so many promises, some seem to contradict with the party whose ticket you ran on and the current leadership in the house. Are you going to try to work with the GOP or use your electoral college mandate to push through your promises?

Donald Trump: Can’t tell you yet, but whatever I end up doing, it will be great.

Duck: The children of the illegal immigrants are called the Dreamers. It would seem you are about to turn their dreams into nightmares. Under the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals act that President Obama signed into law four years ago many of these illegal immigrants have been working and paying taxes including Social Security.  Do you have any empathy for them?

Donald Trump: I do. Many of them work hard but for me to realize the promise I made to my supporters I’ll have to end the DACA program.  They won’t get deported immediately like their parents if they already have their work permits,  but eventually they will have to leave our country. They will be the collateral damage of the immigration policy that we have to enact to make America Great again.

Duck:  Why can’t they be part of making America Great again? Studies have shown over and over how productive these particular illegal immigrants are. Why does there have to be collateral damage?

Donald Trump: Hey, the liberals can’t complain about collateral damage. At least I’m not killing them just deporting them.  I haven’t heard any cries from the Hillary supporters about the collateral damage the Drone program has accomplished. We all have to do things to make America Safe, and if that means killing non – combatants with drones, or deporting intelligent hard working illegals, it has to be done. Nothing is bigger than making America safe. Nothing. Our lives are way more important than anyone else’s.

Duck: Are you really going to build a wall? That seems so silly?

Donald Trump: Of course I’m going to build a wall. Of course, it is silly, but it was what got my base excited in the first place.  It is pure gold. First off you have all your lazy white guys upset at all these hard working illegal immigrants doing work they’d never stop playing video games to do. And that made them feel bad about themselves. Even if they have never seen an illegal immigrant they can see they ain’t white, and if they ain’t white, they are a threat to their whiteness. The best way to make them feel good about themselves is to get rid of those who make you feel insecure. And the other big thing is how many jobs I can create building this wall.  I just have to make sure it is built with non-union labor so I can keep the costs down. I wonder if I can use deported Mexican labor to build the wall?

Duck: Other groups who seem to be in big trouble with your election would be anti – abortionists, environmentalists, Muslims,  transgender folk, possibly the LBGT community? You say you have the greatest respect for the LBGT community but your VP sure doesn’t.  Can you interfere with the States who have approved same-sex marriages?

Donald Trump – I know what I can say I can do, I have little idea of what I can actually do. Remember I”m not about the details, just the punditry.

Duck:  What do you think about the protests around the country?

Donald Trump – I wouldn’t say around the country. Just NY and Los Angeles the bastions of the elite left. I think it is unfair. They should wait to see how I screw them before protesting.

Duck: If Hillary Clinton had won, wouldn’t your supporters be protesting right now?

Donald Trump – hell yeah, but I don’t understand your point.

Duck: You have shown a vindictive streak in your life, I’d expect many people have made your get even with list. Who would be on the top, the first media/comic who made fun of your small hands? Your hair? Your orange hue? Your nondisclosure of your taxes?

Donald Trump: It really hurt my feeling when they made fun of my hands. I had to tell everyone I had a big dick because you know what they say about small hands.

Duck: I know, I didn’t quite understand the point of your small hands. You said so many things that was actual news but some felt the need to make fun of your small hands.

Donald Trump: And my taxes, it is like no one on the left ever worked in business. No one pays any tax unless they have to, and they made it sound like I should be paying taxes just to be paying taxes instead of using the loopholes that Congress has given business for years and years.

Duck: I know, it is like saying “I can grab a pussy” and not legally paying taxes are equal issues when one is the braggadocio of a man caught up in his celebrity,  and saying things clearly disgusting whose actual action would be illegal, while the other is the work of a smart businessman doing what every single business owner in America does. That said, not paying taxes, and not disclosing your tax returns are two different beasts. Given how large your influence is, it would have been fitting for America to see just exactly what economic interests you have aligned with on your campaign, and if you would benefit from these policies personally.

Duck: Speaking of Taxes how soon do you expect to cut a deal with Apple and the other American conglomerates who have parked about 2 Trillion outside of the US.  It seems strange to this duck that the last administration never addressed this.

Donald Trump: Details again. You know I don’t do details, but when I do act, it will be great, and part of making America Great again.

Duck : Since your election, some of the group that I’d classify as deplorable have felt emboldened to commit many hate crimes. Are you going to stand up to those supporters or simply let it ride?

Donald Trump: I may say I’m going to represent all Americans, but you know, I won’t.  I’ll represent my best interests. If it is in my best interest to tell the thugs to stop thugging I will. If it isn’t. I won’t.  We don’t know yet which is which, which is why I haven’t said anything yet. Unless of course,  Ivanka tells me to say something.

Duck: You might be the first person to become President,  where living at the White House will be a step down for you.  Don’t you just wish you could be President but let Mike Pence live in the White House and run the country?

Donald Trump: You and I both know that Mike Pence is going to be running this country while I make grandiose comments about what a great job I’m doing to make America Great again.  You think wagging the dog was fiction, wait until you see the propaganda department I’m going to set up to make sure everyone knows how great a job I’m doing at making America Great again.

Duck: My other animal friends are concerned that all of the safeguards that have been put in place of the past 40 years to protect the environment, endangered species, animals in general, will get dismantled. Can you give us any reason for optimism or advice?

Donald Trump: Fly away, fly away